Bad time for full-time
Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 1:04 So, apparently Mercury is in retrograde.
I don’t know what that means exactly, I’ve never been into astrology. A friend (and yoga teacher) told me that in this constellation you’re not supposed to start anything new, it is a time when you revisit what you have accomplished and reflect on past experiences. Pretty bad timing for going full-time I suppose.
Interestingly enough a lot of things in my life seem to move backwards right now. This might all be a coincidence and certainly doesn’t make me subscribe to my daily horoscope on Facebook now, but on the other hand I’m also not in the business of flat-out dismissing things anymore.
My weight loss, for example, which had been at a stand still for a couple of weeks, is lately running in reverse — the overly technical-polite way of saying I’m gaining weight again. I’m back at 177 pounds, that’s up 10 from my lowest point right after completing the detox in mid-September. This shouldn’t be a surprise, though. Since it has gotten colder outside, I’m not riding my bike nearly as much as I used to. The last 25+ mile ride was three months ago. I’m also eating more, especially at dinner. And I can’t get away from the chocolate.
While the last immediate cause for my gender dysphoria has now been eliminated, and I can finally enjoy being myself at work, the stress is certainly not over. Reality is starting to sink in… The reality of a much longer bathroom routine in the morning (I won’t leave the house without make-up anymore). The reality of constantly checking my voice (my pitch drops if I forget). The reality of having to perform my duties in front of clients who experience me as my true self for the very first time (I need to give my best and look my best and be all natural). The reality of my coworkers sometimes slipping with the name (they are all doing a fantastic job, by the way).
The reality of… not being able to go back anymore. After orbiting planet Fem for quite some time, I finally crash-landed my little spaceship on the surface. I won’t be leaving this planet ever again, and it is still new and sometimes a little strange here. I knew it was a one-way trip, but still… now I HAVE to move forward, deeper into uncharted territory and away from everything I was once familiar with, however painful it has been.
For the record, it is quite a lovely planet (unlike Mercury). But after a full day of full-time reality show I’m usually ready for a date with my cat, my couch, my TV and a big piece of Trader Joe’s chocolate cake. And in a way that’s not too different than what my life was like two years ago — substitute one stress for the other and the cake for the bottle, and you’re looking at pretty much the same pattern — okay, minus the mind-numbing properties of the booze. But the scary thing is, it’s getting worse lately. Today I didn’t go to the ashram after work, although I had signed up for this special meditation class I was looking forward to attending. I just couldn’t deal with it, wanted to be home alone. Blame Mercury?
Perhaps. But maybe the problem is elsewhere. Now that I’m full-time, the next major milestone in my transition will be surgery, and it will be at least a year until then. For the first time since I started my journey across gender, there is no urge to move forward. I look okay, I don’t have to shave (my face) anymore, my breasts are noticeable now… I don’t have to put a lot of effort into my appearance to be passable. The effort is now shifting towards the social component, I am actively settling into my new gender role. And that takes a lot of energy.
Besides Mercury, there’s another issue making this a rather bad time for full time. The economy is just not recovering as we would like it to see, and transitioning is indeed expensive. Not counting the money I pay for therapy, I have spent around $5,000 on doctor visits, medication, hair removal and legal fees so far. Surgery will set me back at least another $20K, and will most likely be postponed until I have recovered financially. I really don’t want to be rich, just to be able to relax a little… and have the junk between my legs removed. But that’s probably beyond the powers of Mercury. And I’m grateful for all that I have, because I know that so many people have less and need more.
Reader Comments (2)
But I thought Mercury was a planet?
WRITE to Swami and Ma... NOW!!! I'm going to check, the way I checked if you're wearing your bike helmet. And I'll write too, 'cause I've been putting it off... NOW!!! I mean it.